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The chuckle thread

18585 Views 132 Replies 32 Participants Last post by  Strongarm
'coz I'm at home and trying to avoid the housework.

If you have a joke or something else funny post it here.

Just remember that this is a family show so nothing that your kids, partners, parents, grand parents or Fred Nile wouldn't approve of.

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
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And another


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban bo th of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were?

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.
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As I am retired...

Read this to my wife.

I am not allowed to go shopping with her any more.

Thanks! :thumbup:
Every man should do this when he first goes shopping with the wife upon retiring.

Guaranteed to get you "left at home" while she shops after the second or third trip at most. :green_lol::green_lol:
Sounds like you've got the shopping business sorted Ock.

Now's the time to lay out a few more ground rules for your retirement.

The Man’s Rules. At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the Rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as rugby, cricket, sex, hockey or Golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Thanks Don,

I just forwarded it to her work via email.

I am now preparing the couch and my beer supply in preparation for a night of "solitude"................
I couldn't find a Walmart in SFO - Ocker wanted me to pick up something for him. (One of the Walmart people Funny Pictures at WalMart Photos )
Thanks for the try Ron.

I'm still working on it.
Got a bloke in the US on another forum thinks he can find one and post it over to me.

And that link to peopleofwalmart Ron posted is a laugh, have a look at it people.
You won't believe some of what is there.
In the Army now.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

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'bout time we had one of these... :hurray:
A big thanks to K1W1 for putting them all in one place [he PM'd me about my "scattered" posts] so I asked if he could do something like this for us. :thumbup:

The mods here work hard to keep a balance and we rarely realise what they have to deal with.

Everyone needs a laugh on a daily basis [especially me at the moment].

So come on people, make me [and others here] laugh on a daily basis.

If we get good at it K1W1 might make it a "sticky". :mrgreen:
The cat

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this.

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat..

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long', I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arze with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening..
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long legs and a big ass

A man walks into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a beer," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a beer."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?", asks the waitress?

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Poor Schultz

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schultz, who was about to be cremated,
he made an amazing discovery: Schultz had the longest private part
he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schultz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to
be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schultz is dead!"
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Yes Graham, I did get all 6 wrong.
:green_lol::green_lol::green_lol::green_lol: :green_lol:

Keep 'em coming guys. :thumbup:
It might be best to link this one (nipples) funny and bizarre....

Alzheimer's The Plus side

Roger 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so
old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have
separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged
husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the

expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and
there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and
it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny
consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses
his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I
am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's
has its advantages.

PS. Have I sent this to you already? Who are you anyway?
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Let's test the way you think.

Let's test the way you think:


Did you read the pen is in her hand?

Nah, me neither.
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If a man has sex with two women, it is called a threesome.

If he has sex with one woman, it is called a twosome.

Why do people keep calling me handsome :confused:
God Loves Drunk People Too

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
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Thanks Muddy

I really needed a good laugh right now Muddy.

And although I've heard it before, my vivid imagination just pictured the cat passing the Harley.
A lady who works as a receptionist at a sperm bank has just arrived at work one morning when a man bursts through the door wearing a ski mask and waving a gun.
He points the gun at her and demands for her to tell him where the sperm is kept. She tells him it's in a refrigerator in the other room.
He then forces her into the room and makes her open the refrigerator and take out three containers of the "donations".
At this point the man instructs her to remove the lids from the containers and drink the contents.
Without hesitation the woman turns up the containers and drinks all three without saying anything.

The man then removes his mask and just as she realizes it's her own husband he says, "now see that wasn't so bad was it"?
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Bump for Ockerstrom.
Thanks Pat.

I will move the other one over here tonight when on my computer (using my phone atm).

Don't know why I couldn't find the thread last night, blind I guess :headbang:
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