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'coz I'm at home and trying to avoid the housework.

If you have a joke or something else funny post it here.

Just remember that this is a family show so nothing that your kids, partners, parents, grand parents or Fred Nile wouldn't approve of.





I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
And another

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban bo th of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were?

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.
 

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As I am retired...

Read this to my wife.


I am not allowed to go shopping with her any more.

Thanks! :thumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
As I am retired...

Read this to my wife.


I am not allowed to go shopping with her any more.

Thanks! :thumbup:
Every man should do this when he first goes shopping with the wife upon retiring.

Guaranteed to get you "left at home" while she shops after the second or third trip at most. :green_lol::green_lol:
 

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Sounds like you've got the shopping business sorted Ock.

Now's the time to lay out a few more ground rules for your retirement.

The Man’s Rules. At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the Rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as rugby, cricket, sex, hockey or Golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Sounds like you've got the shopping business sorted Ock.

Now's the time to lay out a few more ground rules for your retirement.

The Man’s Rules. At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the Rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as rugby, cricket, sex, hockey or Golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Thanks Don,

I just forwarded it to her work via email.

I am now preparing the couch and my beer supply in preparation for a night of "solitude"................
 

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Hi guys ,
when did Target start selling firearms ???????? :confused:
 

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Kmart in Australia used to sell firearms ( before That mental case in Tasmania shot people ).
Wallmart in Nrth Carolina actually has 4 rows of firearms they bost 1400 differents guns available in 24 hours. How do I know ,well my 11 years old boy loves guns and we visited just above every Wallmart we could find in San Fransico ( even there head office ) ,and all the ones from Washington DC to Orlando Froida .

We also shopped every day for 3 and 1/2 weeks ( as my punishment for taking the family to the USA ) . I still have the scares after I inavertantly answered THE Question Wrong

Now I warn you all, when the Kids ask " Can we go to Sea World and see Shamoo the whale perfom tommorrow"
Do not answer like I did

" Na you've already seen Mum jump in the pool and you all got wet " .


It seams Guess handbags can hold 4 house bricks and my wife has a better backhand than the William sister combined.
 

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The only place I'm going to take Drew when we retire (we're the same age) is to a Suzuki dealership to buy us some new Stroms!
I'd rather go shopping at Bunnings than Target anyway. (but bike shops are better still)
 

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Yep , i can remember buying bullets from Kmart years ago , now the only ones with guns are the police and the criminals.
 

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I am not retired, and I do not go to shops, but I tell you what, I have not laughed that much for a while, that is brilliant :green_lol::green_lol::green_lol:
 

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Sorry i forgot the licensed gun owners, i would be one myself but i don,t trust the Government , and i know what the police force in general think of gun owners . My cousin is a cop , people these days are brain washed about guns , people kill people , a gun is a tool , like any tool they can be misused.:thumbdown:
As for the police , there are good ones and bad ones , just like the rest of us.
 

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They are all sisters :yesnod:
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I couldn't find a Walmart in SFO - Ocker wanted me to pick up something for him. (One of the Walmart people Funny Pictures at WalMart Photos )
Thanks for the try Ron.

I'm still working on it.
Got a bloke in the US on another forum thinks he can find one and post it over to me.

And that link to peopleofwalmart Ron posted is a laugh, have a look at it people.
You won't believe some of what is there.
 
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