[v-chops]

UP & DOWN SEX








At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly


gentleman and an elderly lady


struck up a conversation and discovered


that they both loved to fish.





Since both of them were widowed,


they decided to go fishing together the


next day.





The gentleman picked the lady up, and they


headed to the river to his fishing boat


and started out on their adventure.





They were riding down the river when there


was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked


the lady,





'Do you want to go up or down?'





All of a sudden the lady stripped off her


shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to


the man right there in the boat !





When they finished, the man couldn't


believe what had just happened, but he had just


experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.





They fished for a while and continued on


down the river, when soon they came upon


another fork in the river.





He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'


There she went again, stripped off her


clothes, and made wild passionate love to


him again.





This really impressed the elderly


gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing


again the next day.





She said yes and there they were the next


day, riding in the boat when they came upon


the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman


asked up, 'or down ?'





The woman replied, 'Down.'





A little puzzled and disappointed, the


gentleman guided the boat down the river when


he came upon another fork in the river and he


asked the lady,’ Up or down ?'





She replied, 'Up.'





This really confused the gentleman so he asked


'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I


you if you wanted to go up or down you


made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing.





She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't


wearing my hearing aid and I thought the


Choices you asked were





f*** or drown...

 

[v-chops]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End on their way to Kakadu.
He was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, or beneath the
sea.


The Americans were incredulous.
Then, later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered an Aborigine lying in the middle of the road.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Chrysler Valiant. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel.
There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm beer.
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Wow, man! How do you know all that?" asked one American.
The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f***ing thing about 15 minutes ago!!!!!!!

 

[Strange Dog]

Where would you find a tortoise with no legs?

Right where you left it.

 

[windinhair]

Dog,That was Canberra funny-I spend too much time in Canberra-the irish club at Weston eases my Canberra.:yesnod:

 

[ockerstrom]

:green_lol: :green_lol: :green_lol:

I'm going to tell these to the other guys in my ward room later. :thumbup:

5:30am and they wake us up :thumbdown:

Scheduled for ultrasound this morning, hope they do my op today or I will be stuck here until :furious: Monday before they get around to it. :fineprint:

Thanks for the thread Chops, and for the posts too guys, they say laughter is the best medicine.

 

[MountainLagoon]

Hi Steve, hope all goes well, here a long one......

A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.

They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.

"Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"

Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."

"Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous."

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"

The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.

She smiles. "Then come in."

He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.

"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.

"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."

 

[v-chops]

Just to prove you don't take all your pics laying down

I thought I'd add this one

And Graham Downunder was running late so he took the short cut thru the bay

Then he bragged about how big of a fish he saw

All worked out in the end

Just cheerin' ya up Ocks, hope youre betta soon mate :thumbup:

 

[ockerstrom]

Well they sent me home last night

After ultrasound and more blood tests and discussion they had with my own specialist who has done this op on me a couple of times before, they decided my problem was not "life critical".

I will be getting the op done over the next few weeks after I get to speak to my specialist.

Now all I have to do is manage to not aggravate it until I can get it done.

Baring problems, I will still make Bingara :thumbup:

The jokes got some good laughs from the guys in my hospital room :yesnod:

Thanks all.

[next time I end up in a hospital I'm going to make sure I have one of my laptops with me, the phone is ok for internet use but the laptop is better :fineprint: ]

 

[wobbly_boot]

Well they sent me home last night

After ultrasound and more blood tests and discussion they had with my own specialist who has done this op on me a couple of times before, they decided my problem was not "life critical".

I will be getting the op done over the next few weeks after I get to speak to my specialist.

Now all I have to do is manage to not aggravate it until I can get it done.

Baring problems, I will still make Bingara :thumbup:

The jokes got some good laughs from the guys in my hospital room :yesnod:

Thanks all.

[next time I end up in a hospital I'm going to make sure I have one of my laptops with me, the phone is ok for internet use but the laptop is better :fineprint: ]

Great to hear that Ock....rest up mate, only 2 weeks to go:hurray:

Glad you're home & off the critical list:thumbup:

Cya in Bingara!!

Cheers

Dave

 

[ockerstrom]

Great to hear that Ock....rest up mate, only 2 weeks to go:hurray:

Glad you're home & off the critical list:thumbup:

Cya in Bingara!!

Cheers

Dave

:green_lol::green_lol:

Never was on the "critical" list Dave.

Just on the list of "man in :furious: extreme pain and only semi concious". :fineprint:

The Ambo's green whistle eased the pain and two days in hospital with almost no food at all meant the problem didn't get aggravated again while I was there.

All I have to do is make sure it doesn't occur again before I can get the op done. :yikes:

As to your comment it the Bingara thread, I have used the pillion grab handles to secure a large bag with tent/sleeping bags/self inflating mattresses/tripod stools to the pillion seat.
I prefer either the straps with the crimp buckles or the AndySrapz straps rather than ockie straps to hold anything on the bike.

 

[CHINOTAKER]

All the Best !!!

Hope you are better Mister !!!

:thumbup:

 

[ockerstrom]

Hope you are better Mister !!!

:thumbup:

Thanks Chino,

But I'm actually back in hospital again. :headbang:

Hoping to get out again tomorrow.

Been here since 4:00am yesterday, op done this morning.

Cheers,
Ock.

 

[Donunder]

Hope it all went well Ock, and that that's the last of your problems for a while.

Can I borrow your phone and scrounge some chain lube?

 

[ockerstrom]

Hope it all went well Ock, and that that's the last of your problems for a while.

Can I borrow your phone and scrounge some chain lube?

Still in here, haven't seen a doctor since the procedure, will see how well I get through the night after eating for the first time in 3 days.

I'm always happy to help fellow riders when I can.

No problems lending both to you again, but it will be a longer ride to borrow them this time than Bingara was. :biggrinjester:

 

[ockerstrom]

What part of your body goes to heaven first?

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh! God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.

The Nun fainted.

 

[ockerstrom]

God does have a sense of humour.

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's SYDNEY, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful Harbour & Beaches and days filled with sunshine. The people from Sydney are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............

 

[saturn 5]

Trevor

Trevor walks into the Florist shop:

" I wansome flowers for me girlfren" says Trevor.

" Certainly " replied the shop owner " and what did you have in mind"














A ROOT...says Trevor

 

[v-chops]

House of ill repute

House of ill repute






See if you can work this out:














There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.


There were four men ...

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.


What were the nationalities of the four men?



* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish


Now wait for it ...........................................!!!!!!


Ya gonna hate this .........................................





* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

 

[MountainLagoon]

Get well soon Steve, maybe ask to have that charger your plugged into turned over to "boost" mode...

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman on the deck of his ship and barked at him.
“Get over here, what’s your name sailor”
“John” The new seaman replied
“Look I don’t know what king of bleeding heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors at rookies these days but I don’t call any sailor by his first name” The Cheif scowled.
It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority!”
“I refer to all my sailors by their last name and you are to refer to me as Chief...Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye Chief” the seamen replied
“Now we’ve got that strait, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed…”Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief”
"OK John here’s what I want you to do…………"

 

[ockerstrom]

They might need to give me a "boost" charge if I collapse during the treadmill test ML.

And trust an airforce man to have a dig at navy men. :green_lol:

I'm not military of any kind but my mate is ex navy, I will run that one past him :mrgreen: