A martian and his son are looking down at earth:
Son: Dad, why did humans go extinct?
Dad: Well son, in 2020 they all went out and purchased every roll of toilet paper they could find, and wiped themselves out.
Years ago my cousin Linda came over after a hair and dye job...she paid 300$. She came over crying because she hated it...
Linda, I would have done it for 200$.
You do not know how to cut and dye hair!
Yeah but i would have saved you 100$...
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back,........‘DON’T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
A fellow whith a big nosea bought the local country store. Everyone that came in would not buying anything because his nose was big. A little tongue-tied boy came In, and ask for peanuts. Hey said I’ve got gourmet nuts, 55 cents a pound. “Oh no Them nuts are too high. I’ve got plain nuts, 45 cents a pound. Oh no Them nuts are to high. He said I’m leaving, I can’t afford anything in here. The storekeeper said “I appreciate you son”. Boy says “ why, I didn’t buy anything “. Well, you didn’t make fun of my nose. “What?, that’s your nose?. Darn, I thought it was your tally walker, because your nuts are so high.
Ordering Pizza In The Future If We Aren't Careful !!!
CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me.
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ..
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL !!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
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