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FROZEN CARBURETTOR

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a Scottish Motorcycle Patrol Officer came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the mouth and face from the cold weather..

“What’s the matter? asked the Officer.

"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Officer unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local Police Station received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill......"
 

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Pretty fortunate to have a 20 y/o Daughter who.....Still appreciates my humor, so here's a pretty good "Dad" joke for Y'all:
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi ?


People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in ...
Abu Dhabi DO !
Tried it on my 15 year old daughter who is into exactly these kinds of jokes. She didn’t get it. Turns out she doesn’t know the Flintstones.
 

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As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this
actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 

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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was our first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 

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I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you", obviously embarrassed I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.
 
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