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  #131  
Old 12-21-2012, 07:50 AM
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Location: newmarket ontario Canada
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An old man sits on his porch all day watching the world go by .
One morning he sees the kid next door walking by , dragging a piece of fencing . The old man calls out " Hey , Kid , what ya got there ? "
The kid replies , " I got a piece of chicken wire , I'm gonna go catch me some chickens ! "
" Oh , damn fool kid , " the old fellow replies, " Ya can't catch chickens with chicken wire ! "
Well , later that day , the old man was astonished to see the kid come back up the street dragging the fence with several chickens tangled in it .


The next day , the kid passes by again with something in his hand , the old man calls out ," what ya got there today , young fella ? "
" I got me some duct tape , I'm gonna catch me some ducks ! "
" Oh , damn fool kid , ya can't catch ducks with duct tape ! ' , calls the old man , as the kid disappears up the street .
Later that day , the old man was astonished to see the kid coming by , dragging a strip of duct tape in which several ducks were entangled .



So the next day , when the old man spots the kid coming by again , with a bundle of sticks in his hand , he calls out : " what ya got there today , Kid ? "
The kid replies , " I got me some pussy willows , I'm gonna.."
"WAIT FOR ME , I'LL GET MY HAT ! "
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  #132  
Old 12-27-2012, 03:39 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Katoomba. Australia
Posts: 181
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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
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  #133  
Old 01-02-2013, 05:40 PM
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Location: Bingara NSW Australia
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly

toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a

Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
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