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  #121  
Old 07-05-2012, 08:13 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Townsville North Queensland
Posts: 691
Default True story

I was discussing the use of "Smith" as a term used to describe a person with particular trade skills, an expert in their respective fields. We were reading " The Hitchhiker" by Roald Dahl and he uses the term fingersmith to describe a pick pocket. So I mentioned blacksmiths, goldsmiths and silversmiths. A boy who wasn't usually paying attention in class shoots up his hand and asked, " Mr. Jackson what does that make Dick Smith?" It cracked me up.

For those outside Australia Dick Smith is a well known Australian business identity and explorer/adventurer and Australian of the year.
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  #122  
Old 07-06-2012, 05:43 AM
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Location: Chicago
Posts: 546
Default First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out & make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At
the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first
time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still
deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head
down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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  #123  
Old 07-21-2012, 08:38 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Bingara NSW Australia
Posts: 244
Default Rated The Irish joke of the Year

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir', says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does.
Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and
lies down on the table, and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!
For five years I have not seen a man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'
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  #124  
Old 07-22-2012, 02:28 AM
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Location: Blue Mountains NSW Australia
Posts: 532
Default

OZ IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave
the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a
dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to
repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're
sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in
change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.


IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that
we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened inBankstown NSW.


IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council
to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Bauple Qld


IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
>From Castle Hill, Sydney .....


IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would
I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened at Melbourne Airport


IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to
cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged'
co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is
red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!'

She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O. SA


IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up
our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Holden Dealership Townsville Qld


STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...!

Very interesting,
Scientifically proven.................. Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, it's a physicalimpossibility.


2. All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.


3. And discover #1 is a lie.


4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.


5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.


6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ...



I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company.
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  #125  
Old 09-12-2012, 04:17 AM
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Location: Wollongong, NSW Australia
Posts: 1,600
Default Camilla's New Shoes

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour.

But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh God that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,

'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:

'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
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  #126  
Old 12-12-2012, 05:22 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Blue Mountains NSW Australia
Posts: 532
Default

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

He asked 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like riding motorcycles, boating, sailing, surfing or hiking,?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,..

'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to be 85?
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Last edited by MountainLagoon; 12-12-2012 at 05:24 AM.
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  #127  
Old 12-12-2012, 05:49 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Werribee, Vic, AU
Posts: 121
Default You gotta read it aloud

On my first long distance ride, I nodded at passing bikers. Many waved. I started waving.
As the weather got warmer, I saw waves from many bare hands. This distressed me until I got to thinking, "Why are bears riding motorcycles?"
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  #128  
Old 12-12-2012, 08:01 AM
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Location: Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 713
Default

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to by shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown"
The Irishman says,
"Turner Brown?!? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"
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  #129  
Old 12-16-2012, 06:25 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Katoomba. Australia
Posts: 181
Default No sex since 1955 ....


A crusty old Royal Military Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversational purposes.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"No, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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  #130  
Old 12-21-2012, 04:37 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Katoomba. Australia
Posts: 181
Default What to tell Santa

A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies.

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her 5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice
horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the ****in dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!
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